"Ladies, If I Can Just Be Blunt? Series on " Get a Man? Got a Man? Keep a Man. by Karie

INTRO TO "LADIES IF I CAN JUST BE BLUNT"? SERIES 
If you have read my introduction while viewing another article in this series, skip below to "Article".
One day a great revelation hit the top of my blond head.  "The common denominator to all of my relationships (the good and the bad) - whether it is marriage, business, ministry, friends or family - IS ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is a reason I don't usually take "Woman's Meetings"; I can't say what I have to say "in church"... LOL!
This article is "THINGS YOU CAN'T SAY ABOUT MEN AND RELATIONSHIPS IN CHURCH".

There are SO many things women need to be more "real" about - Sometimes we just aren't "honest" or "transparent" enough with one another or ourselves. It's kind of like the childhood story "The Emperor has no clothes".

I remember trying to find out from my grandmothers; great Aunts and other "older ladies" as to when they went through certain "women times" in life;  they all blew me off with a "Oh- I don't know....have some coffee..." So - If you don't have an older sister, aunt or a friend who will tell you the truth ----- read on about some of my "discoveries" about "womenhood",men, sex, friendship and fashion....... here is a recommended read if you need a little "jump start" in your connection skills!

ARTICLE

KARIE'S TAKE ON OUR MEN, LACK OF MEN AND MAINTAINING OUR RELATIONSHIPS

I want to point out a few discoveries for "my sisters" that some of you may have missed in the busi-ness of life (or with your head in the sand). This premise is based on the fact that most of us have not led perfect lives  and are of an age where are are "in" or "considering" a permanent relationship.

A little background for you - After some BAD relationships in my twenties, finally marrying a "nice" man instead of a "mysterious" one with promises of "adventure", raising 2 kids, step parenting, pastoring a church, traveling the world, being married over 20+ years, having a brother who will "tell it like it is", being marriage counselors and becoming grandparents....I can finally "safely say" that generally SEX, FOOD and SLEEP are "constants" for men (IF they are done with a good attitude) - those 3 things and a nice "thank you" to your man will keep him well maintained... Just saying. 

DISCLAIMER: If you have already chosen a total loser to get back at your parents, please seek counseling from a professional - if you are "just a normal woman" with a bit of cellulite - trying to squeeze your size 14 butt into a size 10 skirt... read on.

I know... I know... you want to choke me - it is "SO much more complicated that THAT... Karie - you just don't understand...."  Sigh...Well... if "what you are doing is working for you" quit reading!  If not, give some of my thoughts a try...Just for "Kicks".

 LET'S JUST "GET TO IT" AND START WITH SEX IN A MARRIAGE:
If you are not married yet, read closely.  You may reconsider... :) 
Note: Just because you have gotten him to "quit bothering you" for intimacy, doesn't mean you won.  

It's time to get the kids out of the bed, rethink the direction of your love for your man and reestablish your relationship with him.


GENERALLY SPEAKING, MEN ARE "VISUALLY STIMULATED".  YOU ARE ALL YOUR MAN HAS TO WORK WITH!

Many of us don't give our husband's much to " visually work with" (I know ... I know... they aren't "so hot" either...:)).  We have a variety of reasons; we are too fat, too flat, to lumpy, too insecure, too shy, too holy etc... so we "wrap it up in flannel" and let them stumble around in the dark.  THEN we get mad when they gawk at a window display at Victoria's Secret!  We want them to get us a gift certificate there ladies!! Rethink your thinking.  GEEZE .... no wonder they aren't "connecting" with us. If I hear that word again in a counseling session, I may cry.  WHAT does that mean to you?...??? I need a dictionary and I am a woman!

I'm not talking about being a total sleeze and a dressing like a walking billboard for Fredricks from Hollywood in your daily life, I'm talking about being a "woman" for him during your private time away from people.  Remember YOU choose HIM as your life long mate because .... try to remember and send me a note, will ya?  LOL.  It's easy to forget the part of connecting that is also "romance" when the cares of life creep in.  I know... I know.  Done it.

For you "jocks" and "work out queens" who haven't tripped over make-up or a brush since the last time you were a "bridesmaid" - give it a shot!  :)))))

So... Here is my advice about how to "connect" with your man to remind him that you are his wife, love him and that you still think he is "all that".

I am going to sound VERY SHALLOW to some of the SPIRITUAL PEOPLE out there, but if you did a "blind poll" of good men in your life, they would say some of the same things.  They would just never say it to us at the risk of being called a "chauvenistic pig", inconsiderate, loser etc... and then be reminded of all the areas they fall short in etc... it's easier just to "go to sleep" and "talk in the morning".  We can out talk them a million to one.  Even if we are wrong - we're right cuz we have "razor tongues" and are "well practiced" cuz we have spent hours on the phone complaining to our girlfriends.

So - generically, if you are just a "regular gal" married to a "regular guy" and you are both trying your best to love one another - this is for you.

Jeff and I have spent massive hours as marriage and family counselors and can give some "generic advice".  If you throw in my my checkered past as a cocktail waitress and bartender (aka amateur psychologist with a "twist") and a brother and father who are very Godly Christian men but not afraid to answer my questions... I think this is a good start of a list to share with ladies about men.  If you like "formulas" - even better.

Keep in mind... MEN ARE VISUALLY STIMULATED... I know it's not fair - it's not "right" - "they can't expect all that" and "they don't know how hard you work... I know... I know... I KNOW!  But you don't know how many times WE have sat with families that are falling apart so we can be "right".  Maybe we should give up our "right to be right" and "just be in love".  Give it a shot - read on!

I TOTALLY understand sweats, but there are things that are
"easy" and "harmless to do once on awhile"...
even if you are "exhausted" - Sigh-

#1. Dump the sweats for a nice nightgown - or better yet - NOTHING

#2.  Quit dressing in the bathroom unless you are trying to create air of suspense- close your eyes and do it "in public view of your husband".  Let him flirt with you.

#3. Take a bath before you go to bed. Shave your legs. Brush your teeth.  Maybe he will start to do the same (minus the shave your legs).

Funny story; Jeff and I had been married a few years when one night he came to bed and began to kiss me - he had bad razor stubble.  I started to say something and then thought "no, I wouldn't have said a word when we were first married, I would have been "happy" to kiss him.  He felt my hesitation and asked "what's wrong?"  I told him but then said "never mind... when we were first married- I never would have said anything."  He got out of bed - I asked "Where are you going?"  He answered, "BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED, I WOULD HAVE SHAVED".  We both cracked up and the night went on.  He was right.

#4.  Take your make up off ... "After".... Live a little!  You put it on that day when you went to the grocery store.. leave it on a little longer!  I don't care if he says "I love you just the way you are... YOU trained him to say that." 

* Men like the dang lights on.  Light those decorator candles you bought at the Candle Party - they hide a multitude of sins.  *We don't like lights because it shows every bump and blemish.  News bulletin: At that moment in time, they aren't "focused" on those part of you anyway!  Meet them half way; light the candles.

* Besides, If we play this right - he will buy us more candles and throw in some flowers to boot whenever we need them. Candles cover a multitude of sins... for BOTH of you!  LOL

#6.  Throw the man a BONE (figuratively speaking)!  YOU are all he has to work with! Think "way back" to what he said he loved about you and "resurrect it".

#7.  QUIT NAGGING: It's hard to "connect with someone who "nags".  Me and his mother just need to "get it": After all these years if he hasn't changed - that is "just how it is" - it is not different than when you married him- BE QUIET and enjoy the good things he has to offer :) (I say with a sigh in my voice).

#8.   Say "Thank you" even when it is "his job" .  "WHAT?"  you ask (if you thought that, please read in red my retort below) .  He is a man doing the best he was taught to do - work, provide and stay out of your way. It matters that you let him know he is appreciated... I know... I know... you are very unappreciated and he never notices all you do.... ladies, from the bottom of my ex- bartender heart, If you don't appreciate him - someone will. He may never take that bait or look that way, but you hear what I am saying.  If he is someone you would "fight another woman for" - keep the dogs away - regular "thank you " maintainence will help that along.

Side bar:  "YES, Ms. Drama "unappreciated" Queen... WE have to "sacrifice" by making ALL the steps... he just gets to "lounge" and be spoiled... It's ALL on "us" (snivel snivel)unless we like things the way they are... ???

#9.  He is a man and needs to feel "SEXY" - not just "friendly" and "Fatherly"!  Say it!  Show it!  Lie if you have to (dig into your memory bank of when you first met).  "Speak things that are not as though they were... exercise your FAITH girl!  LOL.
...if you need some advice - get a hold of me and I will paint you a visual picture with words... seriously.

#10. Chase him around the bedroom - Flirt with him during the day - and then DELIVER once in awhile.  Don't ever lose the bond of physical touch and romance (ignore the spare tire and bald spot). It is NOT all his responsibility to keep romance going.  He has to feel like he isn't throwing his efforts into a bottomless pit both as a friend and as a lover.

#11.  Children grow up and leave home - make sure they don't take their DAD with them. He is the "MAN of your DREAMS" that you "COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT" - not just a money maker, lawn mowing, trash taker-outer, arm piece for social events, father of your children etc.... He is YOUR MAN. He will give back what you put into him.

#12.  Kids are great .... Kiss them; squeeze them and then GET THEM OUT OF YOUR BED!
It is YOUR time with YOUR man. Don't use them like a "headache".

#13.  Just cuz he has quit asking for sex ....doesn't mean he doesn't want it - we probably WORE HIM DOWN or some medical condition exists...etc... you get my point. That is not "winning".

So - To wrap it up...

In all my years of dating, marriage, bar-tending, counseling, ministry and just listening to women talk - it is rare to find a woman that has a "LOVER" relationship with her husband past the first few years.  It is even more rare to find a woman that  will tell you her husband is her best friend; her lover, is in tune with her destiny; is aware of her husband's dreams; is cheering him on to get there; or likes herself.  We have to start somewhere.

What is your view of your man? You chose him. Maybe even "God said"???
I had to laugh when Sully' did the miracle plane landing. His wife SAID SHE WAS "UNSURPRISED". She never had a doubt.

I love you ladies - Just wanted to give my two cents!! I am now happily married for twenty years, a grandma, a business woman and a minister with long term friendships all over the world  ... it is a gift and I have been truly blessed with both men and women who are amazing.  I am thankful.

PRACTICAL HELP:

Most of us know what "moves us" but don't have a clue about our man. 

Recommended reading if you are having some trouble "connecting" with your man:
Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman. Get the book. 
He explores questions like "Are you a"Quality Time" "Receiving Gifts" "Acts of Service" "Physical Touch" or "Words of Affirmation" type of "connector" person?  It's interesting.  If we apply it to others, it makes us much nicer to be around!

http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/

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